I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
You Might Also Like
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
This was my dad’s browser history.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..