If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
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I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Never let them know your next move 😂
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away