Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
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I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too