People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
You Might Also Like
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago