Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
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“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Received some very disappointing news today
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.