*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
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this will hang in the louvre one day
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
When you’re here for the treats.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit