M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
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Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.