My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
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VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Florida man
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
iPhone X
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now