4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
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That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
how to exercise your calf muscles
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?