*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
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feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
sounds kinky. i’m in.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.