What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
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Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
SPLOOT
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind