angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
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Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
starting a garage orchestra
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work