My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
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I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Yup!
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?