Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
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If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Me trying to reach for my goals
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Good dog. ❤️
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home