I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
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Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.