Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
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A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.