#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
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If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.