4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
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“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.