date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
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The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while