When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
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I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
catch me on valentine’s day like
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best