to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
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20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.