I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
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Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Ah..makes sense now
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Not today, today.
Not today.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.