If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
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FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
the official breakfast of 2021
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
technically true but not a great slogan
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”