Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
You Might Also Like
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Finally
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Ah yes. The three genders
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.