I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
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*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
a lot to unpack here
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk