My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
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*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists