A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
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Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered