“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
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Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Never forget.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.