my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
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He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.