Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
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*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
yeah no that’s fair
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”