[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
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Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
*praying for world peace*
God:
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Me: how are you
Friday: good
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat