wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
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god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
my favorite genre of twitter
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.