This will never not be funny 😭
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“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
The days of good grammer has went
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
I have no passwords left in me
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management