the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
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My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
This is the one
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?