MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
You Might Also Like
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
🤣✨#caturday
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
😅🤣😂
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.