Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
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Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Safety first
want me to check your oil?
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
My brain is a bad influence on me
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31