[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
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Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower