Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
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My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.