I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
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Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.