I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
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Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.