The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
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You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.