To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
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Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows