If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
You Might Also Like
Don’t touch that.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
In Russia, Pokemon find you.