Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
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License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*