They grow up so quick
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Them: You should try keto
Me:
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?