People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
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I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that