Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
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That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Just parrot things
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
A great tip. #CakeRex
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair