My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
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What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
bugs when you lift up a rock
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.