*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
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I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense