Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
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Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Art by Pastelkatto
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US